Ebb And Flow

The feeling of permanent confusion has settled in. It started like the tide; came and went as it pleased, not really having an impact on the details of my life. But like in the real world, ocean levels are rising and suddenly the reliable coming and going of the tide is more threatening. Now it affects everything, especially since it refuses to go back out...

This feeling like something - or someone - is missing grows all the time. And it hurts. Not only does it hurt, but it's depressing. It creates a weight that shouldn't be there - like an ant carrying... well, anything. I don't know what to do. I sit in front of the TV, flicking through the channels, hoping and praying that something will be said that will inspire me or guide me to what it is I'm supposed to be doing. The feeling that everything I do and say is meaningless, and that my existence is only fulfilling a fraction of its potential is unnerving.

Writing has become my release. But eventually it too will lose it's power of distraction. I feel like I have very little time to do so much, to experience so much, to see so much, to say so much...

I don't know... maybe I need to get out of here. Maybe I need to leave everything behind for a while. Friends, family, acquaintances and even the random strangers that I seem to keep running into without ever saying a word. Something out there is pulling me. But what is it? WHERE is it? Why me?

I have been given too much. I haven't earned what I have been given. I didn't ask for what I have been given, and while it gives me the opportunity to excel it also acts as a counter-weight by building social barriers and mental barriers. So many things in my life I want to change, and so many I can't. It just adds to the futility and the feeling of emptiness.

Somebody will come and save me. Something will come and save me. It's human nature. It's the ebb and flow of mankind. Helplessness... Discovery... Happiness...